... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
