Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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