you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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