Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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