I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
