god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
