You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
