11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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