I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
