I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Someone signed my nipple.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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