I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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