I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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