so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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