I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
