turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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