I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
