alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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