Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
