so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
