Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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