just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
