I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
