i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
