Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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