The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
