i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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