I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
