you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
