You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize