Where is the hickey?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
sex in a hospital.. check
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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