"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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