he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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