I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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