I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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