I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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