I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Hippo gnu deer
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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