Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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