the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
