It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
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Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
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I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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