I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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