then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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