Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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