I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
