I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
