hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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