Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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