I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
