I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
