theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome