happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
