I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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