My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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