I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
