im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
