she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
